Fall From Grace
by Shutterbug5269
Summary: Kate had been only partially conscious and unprepared when the first thunderous boom sounded almost right over the cabin accompanied by a flash bright light. Her whole body went rigid as the flashes and booms began to repeat over and over again, as the panic attack fully claimed her. Fix it fic for 4x01 *Spoilers for Rise*
1. Chapter 1

**May 18, 2011  
Presbyterian Hospital**

Kate looked up at Rick, at the guilt laden in his eyes, she didn't want to have this conversation, the lie she knew she was about to tell gnawing at her soul, because she knew he deserved better from her, but she needed to escape, needed distance, not just from him, but from everything surrounding Montgomery's death and her mother's shooting. It was the only way she could thing of to push him back, because she didn't have the reserves to keep her walls up, and she wasn't ready for his pity at how weak and fragile she was right now. She knew it was going to kill him, but she didn't know what else to do.

"I hear that you tried to save me." she finally said quietly.

"Yeah, I um …" Kate can see in his eyes the moment when he realizes what she'd said.

"You heard?" She could see he was still confused, "You don't remember me tackling you?"

"No, I don't remember much of anything."

Kate watches Rick's face fall. The last thing she remembered before the lights went out that morning was the anguish on his face when he confessed his love for her. She could see in his eyes now that he had been hoping she'd remember his _'I love you'_. That he had meant every word of it, she lowered her gaze hoping he wouldn't see the guilt in her own.

"I, um, I remember that I was on the podium and I remember everything just going black."

"You don't remember …" he began to say, but the words died on his lips as the realization hit him.

"… the gun shot?" She could hear in his tone that those were not the words he had meant to say.

"No." At least that reply was honest. She really hadn't heard the gunshot, she'd remembered reading somewhere, or maybe Royce had told her that you never do hear the one that gets you.

Of all the times she had wanted Rick to shut up over the last three years, she never thought his silence would be so heart-wrenching.

"They say that there's some things that are better not being remembered."

She told him about how she keeps seeing seeing Roy's face when she closes her eyes and admonished him for not letting her save him, he tried to explain, but she shuts him down. She really hadn't meant to say the things she did, she knew Montgomery had offered him little choice really. She only wanted to get Rick to leave.

"Castle, I'm really tired right now."

"Of course." Rick replied, his anguished face a mask of concern, "Of course. We'll talk tomorrow."

She knew she needed to derail that idea, or he would never leave her alone to do the soul searching she needed to do.

"Do you mind if we don't?" she whispered. Hating herself even more with every word she spoke, "I just need a little bit of time."

She looked up and saw him plaster a fake smile on his face to hide his own hurt and she felt even more awful for using his good nature, his willingness to please and his feelings for her against him.

"Sure. Sure. How much time?"

"I'll call you, okay?" She knows it's killing him, and she hates herself for it. Knows that what she is about to do may very well destroy everything they have built, but she's committed now.

"Sure." He replies as he heads for the door, giving her one last look before he leaves. He's schooled his features, but she can plainly see the hurt in his eyes and his body language at her rejection, so she shuts her eyes. She wished she could shut out the guilt she felt about what she was doing as easily.

Her next obstacle to cross was Josh. Castle had been right that night in her apartment, she hid in nowhere relationships with men she didn't love, and it was time she broke it to Josh that they were over. She knew they really had been almost as soon as they began. She liked him, he was a great guy and she had tried to make it work, but it was time to be honest, at least with herself, and let Josh down gently.

She really wanted to be with Rick, to give him the relationship he deserved from her, but she wasn't ready to be in another relationship yet. She only hoped that when she was ready to tear down the wall she had built inside, that she hadn't burned her bridges with Castle so badly that she couldn't get him to come back.

* * *

**Sunday, July 3rd 2011  
Beckett Family Cabin  
10:30 PM**

Kate had felt an overwhelming sense of dread nearly the entire week leading up to the Independence Day weekend. She had sent her father home two weeks before, as soon as she could move around well enough and reach the higher shelves of the pantry without screaming in pain from the pull of her long surgical scar.

She had remembered the hospital's Chief of Thoracic Surgery and the Chief ER Resident informing her that in his haste to find the last bullet fragment Josh had made the incision too long. They had asked if she wanted to file a grievance, for malpractice. As her boyfriend of record at the time, he'd really had no place cutting her open, it was a major ethics violation, even though he'd saved her life. They had seemed almost disappointed when she'd refused. She'd already broken up with him, and she really didn't want to make matters worse by being dragged into their professional pissing contest.

But every time she reached up to a higher shelf and the long scar pulled causing her to scream in agony she found himself cursing his name out loud. She was glad her dad hadn't been around to hear it. She had needed space from him too. It was bad enough that every place she looked reminded her of her mother, which eventually brought her mind full circle back to Castle. She couldn't get him out of her head. The guilt over where she had left things had begun to swallow her whole.

Her dad had come clean about going to see Castle shortly after Lockwood had escaped over breakfast that last day. That he had essentially fixed Castle on a collision course that ended with their fight in her apartment that night. She remembered being infuriated that he had thrown her partner under a bus by pressuring him to confront her. They had fought all morning after that, leading her to tell her father that he should go...and in the end, with a defeated slump to his shoulders he had packed his things and gone home.

Left alone for the first time since the hospital she had cried herself to sleep nearly every night since. Including tonight, awakening in the middle of the night in the pitch dark cabin from the most vivid nightmare she'd had since her father had left. Visions swirling in her brain of Rick being shot in her place, bleeding to death in her arms, of Alexis and Martha crying over a white marble tombstone bearing his name. The cycle that had begun with her mother's death repeating itself with Castle's daughter.

Kate had been only partially conscious and unprepared when the first thunderous boom sounded almost right over the cabin accompanied by a flash bright light. Her whole body went rigid as the flashes and booms began to repeat over and over again, and the panic attack fully claimed her.

She leaped from her bed causing her scar to pull, doubling her over as she swiped her cell phone off the bedside table, causing it to skitter across the floor toward her bedroom closet. She slid herself bodily across the floor in a blind panic as the thunderous reports and the flashes of light assaulted her senses, grabbing her phone, crab-walking backward into the closet and slamming the door closed.

She rocked back and forth as swept her finger across the screen of her phone, miraculously getting her code right on the first try and her fingers instinctively pressed a number, in a panicked haze, not realizing who's number she was dialing until she heard Richard Castle's sleep slurred voice, but unmistakenly angry voice on the other end.

"Beckett? What do _you_ want?"

* * *

Richard Castle woke to the insistent blare of his cell phone. He'd slept poorly the night before, (most nights actually, since the new captain, Victoria Gates had sent him packing) and had actually gotten to bed early that night. He hadn't been in the mood for the frivolity of the Independence Day holiday, and had insisted that Alexis and his mother go out for the night. He'd drawn the drapes, poured himself a glass of scotch and had slipped off to sleep around eight.

He recognized the ring-tone he had assigned to Kate Beckett almost instantly. He had long since given up on hearing from her when she hadn't called in a few days like she'd promised. A few days had turned to weeks, then to a month. Alexis had finally called him on his bullshit, and he had stopped sitting around the house waiting for a call he had finally realized was never coming. She had Josh, what did she need him for?

He answered her call...he always did, but he was more than a little angry. She had left him hanging since May, wallowing in his guilt and worry about her health and safety..and _now_ she calls him? Interrupting the first decent night's sleep he'd had in months?

He doesn't even try to keep the the hard edge out of his voice when he answers.

"Beckett? What do _you_ want?"

His heart sinks in his chest when he hears the muffled thunder of fireworks in the background and Kate Beckett's panicked voice whimpering on the other end of the line, tearing his heart out.

"Make it stop...please...please, make it stop...make it stop..."

* * *

_*Author's note* Don't worry I plan to write at least one more chapter to fix this. I'm not gonna leave Kate hanging like that, Nerwen, Lou, and Angie would form a lynch mob if I did that. _


	2. Crossing The Rubicon

**Chapter Two**  
**Crossing the Rubicon**

_Previously_

_He answered her call...he always did, but he was more than a little angry. She had left him hanging since May, wallowing in his guilt and worry about her health and safety..and now she calls him? Interrupting the first decent night's sleep he'd had in months?_

_He doesn't even try to keep the hard edge out of his voice when he answers. _

"_Beckett? What do you want?"_

_His heart sinks in his chest when he hears the muffled thunder of fireworks in the background and Kate Beckett's panicked voice whimpering on the other end of the line, tearing his heart out._

"_Make it stop...please...please, make it stop...make it stop..."_

* * *

Richard Castle shunted aside his anger at Kate's repeated whimpered plea continued. As angry and hurt as he had been, he had not lied to her that morning in the cemetery. He loved her, and he couldn't bear to hear the outright panic in her voice.

"Beckett...Kate...tell me where you are...I'll find you...I'll come for you."

There was another thundering boom and the phone disconnected. He couldn't be sure if she had done it on purpose, or she dropped her phone, or if something had happened.

He had to find her and only one person could possibly know where she had gone.

* * *

_Kate_

When Kate heard the impassioned plea from Castle asking her where she was, she dropped her phone, she had meant to call her father, but her fingers had had a mind of her own, apparently. Dialing the one person she had been avoiding...as much from guilt about breaking her promise to him as anything else.

She looked down at the device, now broken open on the floor, the battery just out of her reach, her hands shaking too much to reassemble it. Amazed at how much just the sound of his voice had made her feel a little better.

Somewhere in her head she knew she should put her phone back together...call him back, so he wouldn't worry or do something stupid...like try to find her, but the same inner demons that led her to cut off all contact with him in the first place stayed her hand. Just like it had for the last six weeks whenever she had tried before. The image in her head of him bleeding out in the grass instead. Rick deserved better than somebody as screwed up as her.

She tried to get a handle on her fear, as her shaking hands slid the battery back into her phone...tried to get her fingers to obey her commands...but the thunder of the fireworks display, combined with the nightmare completely unnerved her. No sooner had she powered her phone back up that it rang and showed two other missed calls, each from Castle, but she could not seem to bring herself to swipe her finger across the screen.

* * *

_Rick_

After Kate's phone had gone to voice-mail for the third time, Rick tried a different tack, he dialed a phone number he had only seen once on the screen of her phone but had stuck with him. The only thing that had kept him from doing so up until now was her unspoken request to wait for her call.

James Beckett picked up on the third ring, he obviously hadn't been sleeping.

"Mr. Beckett?" he asked with assurance in his voice he certainly didn't feel.

"Rick?" Kate's father replied, "it's eleven thirty at night...how did you get this number? It's unlisted."

"That's not important now!" Rick replied, "Kate called me a few minutes ago...she was in a panic and I could hear loud booming in the background...something's wrong."

Rick could hear Jim quietly swearing to himself in the background.

"I'm not there...I'm back in New York...Katie and I had a fight a couple of weeks ago and she demanded I go home."

"You left her alone?" Rick interjected, even more worried, "What about Josh?"

"She broke up with him shortly after she spoke to you in the hospital." Jim stated quietly. "that was all she shared with me on the subject, she never told me why."

Rick could sense Jim's apprehension over the phone, like he was psyching himself up for something. He had seen this before, when Kate's father had come to the loft, like he was weighing his options, but Rick chose to break the awkward silence.

"Mr. Beckett, I tried...to do what you asked me...God help me I tried to get her to stop...to see reason, but she wouldn't hear me. She said some things...I lost my temper and she froze me out. I failed...her and you. I couldn't make her back down like you and everybody else thought I could, but I couldn't...I failed them all. Failed her. I'm sorry."

"Please son, call me Jim..." the elder Beckett replied, "you aren't the one who failed Katie...I was. I failed her after her mother died, I lost my way and chose a bottle of scotch over my baby girl. I never should have asked this of you, Rick. I'm her father...it was my responsibility, and I had no right to put it on you."

"Please, Jim...please tell me where she is. I need to know she's okay...need to see her with my own eyes."

* * *

_Jim Beckett_

Jim rattled off the address to the cabin in the Adirondacks and told him about the key under the door mat before hanging up the house phone. He wasn't sure how Katie would take what he'd done, whether she would thank him for it, or see it as another betrayal of her trust. He knew one thing though, as wrong as it had been of him to heap what should have been his responsibility onto Richard Castle, his first impression of the man had been right on the money. Rick might be powerfully angry at Katie now, and he had every right to be, but only because he really did care about her.

Deep down, he knew Katie believed that too, or she would not have broken up with the doctor boyfriend whom he hadn't met until that horrible night in the hospital waiting room. Jim had known all along that her relationship with Josh was never going to last. For one, she had hardly ever spoke of him, Rick was spoken of highly and often, speaking clearly as to which of them truly held pride of place in her heart. She had been afraid of commitment long before Jo died, this was a familiar pattern in her life. Only this time he knew his daughter had found somebody worthy of her and if she wouldn't fight for them, then Rick would have to.

He hoped Rick would take to heart the last piece of advice he'd given him in parting.

"Just keep showing up. Be what she needs, but if you hurt her, son, I'll break both your legs..kay?"

Jim Beckett chuckled a bit in spite of himself as he turned out the kitchen light and went to bed, secure in the knowledge that Katie would be in good hands, all she had to do was let him in.

* * *

_Rick_

Rick packed a few days worth of clothes into an overnight bag and sent a quick text to Alexis to let her know he would be gone for a couple of days but was vague about where and why. Both of his redheads were used to him taking such trips alone to clear his head from time to time. His mother had tried to get him to do that very thing...persistently... after the first few weeks with no word from Kate, so neither of them would be overly concerned.

He wasn't sure how his sudden appearance at the Beckett cabin in the Adirondack Park would be received, he didn't want to get his hopes up about where he stood with Kate. It could all blow up in his face, he was still powerfully angry with her for the way she'd left things, and he wanted to delay the _'what the hell were you thinking?' _discussion with Alexis for as long as possible. If anyone was more angry that him at Beckett, it was her, she refused to even speak her name lately. The shooting, and the waiting room had rattled her too.

When he opened the drawer in his office holding his various car keys, he debated between the three vehicles parked there. Part of him seriously considering the Ferrari, then rejecting it out of hand as too flashy...even for him. Not to mention that a four-hour drive in the middle of the night was a long way to drive stick.

He decided the same with the same with the Mercedes, which was comfortable and great for trips to the Hamptons but would be really out-of-place in Upstate, New York so he decided on the black Escalade, grabbed the keys and walked out the door to the elevator.

* * *

_Kate_

Kate only barely registered the rustling at the front door of the cabin as she startled awake still curled up on the floor of the closet. She wasn't sure what had been real and what hadn't been. She groaned as she looked down at her cell phone, the battery had gone dead, it hadn't been fully charged to begin with. It was then that she heard the front door bang against the wall, followed by footsteps in the house and her panic began to resurface.

Her backup piece was still in the drawer on the other side of her bed, nearly ten feet away from where she lay curled up in the back of the closet and she was too freaked out to even consider leaving her hiding place to retrieve it.

She pulled a heavy coat off the hanger above her, thankful that it slid easily off the plastic hanger without making noise and hid under it. Whomever was outside was unfamiliar with the layout of the cabin and was sweeping the house room to room. The pounding of her blood in her ears keeping her from hearing what was said.

Her panic reached its crescendo when her bedroom door swung open with a bang and the voice of the intruder finally found its way to her panic-stricken brain.

"Kate?!"

When the closet door flew open, she burst from her hiding place, nearly tackling him as she launched herself into his arms. She wasn't sure why he was here, but in that moment she didn't care.

She hadn't meant to call him, but she had, and in spite of the hour he'd come for her...just like he promised. Having driven here in the middle of the night to be here. There would be time for questions later.

For now, she knew she was safe.

* * *

_*Author's note* No this story isn't quite over. There may be a bit (or more than a bit) of relationship angst coming. Rick may have come when she called but he is still angry. At both Kate and her dad. Alexis will likely get her licks in too. Kate did not realize all the hurt she caused him, that much was clear in Rise. _

_You weren't expecting easy and fluffy from me...were you? Nope Nope Nope! Not my style. Thanks for hanging on for the ride.  
_

_Mark_


	3. Angry, Hurt But Trying

**Chapter Three  
Angry, Hurt But Trying  
**

* * *

_Previously_

_Her panic reached its crescendo when her bedroom door swung open with a bang and the voice of the intruder finally found its way to her panic-stricken brain._

_"Kate?!"_

_When the closet door flew open, she burst from her hiding place, nearly tackling him as she launched herself into his arms. She wasn't sure why he was here, but in that moment she didn't care._

_She hadn't meant to call him, but she had, and in spite of the hour he'd come for her...just like he promised. Having driven all night to be here. There would be time for questions later._

_For now, she knew she was safe._

* * *

Rick wasn't sure what to do with a broken, panic-stricken Kate Beckett. She had been careful never to let him see this side of her before. He'd seen her hurt to be sure, more than once in fact, but never like this.

She'd thought she'd hidden how badly her mentor, Mike Royce had hurt her when she'd kept him talking to trace the call that caught him. Saw it in her eyes when Royce had handed her the cuffs then turned his back as she placed him under arrest and that night in the alley as she'd knelt over his corpse. The sadness in her eyes that night in the hotel suite living room in Los Angeles.

He'd seen it again that night in the hanger. Watched from his hiding place within earshot in that damned helicopter as Montgomery explained how deeply he had betrayed the trust she had placed in him over the years, bared his soul and then ordered him to come out and drag her bodily away without the name she had desperately wanted. Her last words to the man who had been like a surrogate father to her a plea of absolution for his sins.

The pain in her eyes as she'd begged him repeatedly to let her go while he'd dragged her kicking and screaming out the back door and pinned her to her car as Roy Montgomery made his last stand alone.

But this was something new.

This was Kate at her most vulnerable, the side of herself Rick knew she had never wanted him to see. The broken pieces of herself she had hidden from him in the hospital, that she had broken her promise to call him...had left him twisting in the wind for nearly six weeks to keep from him. Of that he was certain.

He did his best to repress the anger rising in him...to keep a handle on it. He knew yelling at her wasn't going to help now, only make her shut down on him further. But he also knew he couldn't keep it in check forever, the time for their usual _"we don't talk about it"_ was swiftly coming to an end. But not tonight...not when she was scared, hurting and vulnerable. Kate needed him to be the better guy and he knew that. It was late and Kate was freaked out and he needed to get her to bed and try to get some sleep himself. There would be time for what needed to be said soon enough.

Rick helped her back to her bed, not missing the open drawer next to it with the grip of her backup piece clearly visible. A reminder that at least some of her fear was justified. He knew quite clearly that her shooter was still out there...despite his, Ryan's and Esposito's best efforts.

Every day he'd dragged himself into the precinct he'd had to look at their faces as they tried to hide the pity in their eyes. Especially the day Captain Victoria Gates had walked in the door less than a week before and performed her first two official acts as Captain of the 12th Precinct. The first being to shut down the investigation into Kate's shooting for lack of evidence. The second had been to call him into her office, thank him for his service and then send him packing.

The boys had tried to come to his defense but she'd shut them down. The line she used about there being no room in her house for a _"dilettante writer playing cop"_ had hurt him deeply, primarily because that was how he saw himself at the time. Her subtle dig about how Roy had _"run his shop" _ Had also made him a little angry. The boys had walked him out, shame written on both of their faces, but not before surreptitiously slipping the file about the money into his messenger bag.

The lead and the money trail had both dead-ended at a warehouse fire, but at least it made him feel like he was trying, but he hadn't been back to the precinct since. Without Kate there...he didn't have the heart to go over Gates' head to Rob...there was little point.

He helped Kate back to bed and slid the pistol out of her drawer, ejected the magazine and the round in the chamber before slipping it into his coat pocket. Kate gave him a look but didn't offer any real resistance... loaded handguns and panic attacks were a really bad mix. He would put keep it with him in the living room where he could get to it if needed.

Rick was painfully aware her paranoia wasn't entirely out of place...somebody really was out to get her. Unlike when Scott Dunn was gunning for her, because of his books, he would actually be able to protect her while she slept this time though.

He tucked Kate into bed, just like he used to do with Alexis when she was little and had woken from a nightmare and come to find him. He smoothed Kate's hair away from her face and placed a soft kiss to her forehead as her eyes began to droop. She was exhausted, but he could tell that the very thought of sleep frightened her. He soothed her fears as best he could until she drifted off to sleep with whispered promises that he wasn't going anywhere, that she was safe and would see him in the morning.

_'So much like Alexis' _Rick thought to himself, thinking back to mid-June when he'd gone upstairs to kiss his daughter good night during one of her late night study sessions for finals and heard the quiet whimpering coming from her bedroom, only to find out she'd been having nightmares for weeks because she had seen him tackle Kate at the funeral. It had woken him from the haze of feeling sorry for himself, reminded him that he had responsibilities, that people actually depended on him, even if Kate didn't need or want him around.

That had been when he'd started getting angry, not just with Kate, but himself as well. His daughter had suffered in silence all of these weeks because he was so caught up in waiting on a call from Kate he should have realized was never coming that he hadn't seen it. The world had kept on spinning since he'd left Kate's hospital room this past May and his daughter had paid the price for it because he hadn't been there for her like he was supposed to be.

Never again.

He loved Kate, and he would always love her. He'd promised her _always, _more than once and he would keep those promises, but he would _never_ let his love for her overshadow his bond with his daughter again.

This time they would have it out, and whether they had a future together...as partners or anything else...would depend on how that went. He'd grown weary of chasing her, of proving himself to her time and again, only to be left out in the cold or in the dark when things got complicated.

He'd had enough of playing musical chairs with Kate Beckett. It was time for the music to stop...to stop circling the chairs and see where things fell when the dust cleared. He had set Kate on this path two years ago and he was willing to see this through, but he needed to know where he stood first, because he couldn't do this again. He couldn't start something deeper with her only to watch her throw her life away...he could not watch her die again. Once was enough. Too much really.

If he couldn't make her see that...then he was done.

He had barely made it out the door when her whispered plea reached his ears. He wasn't sure if he had woken her, or she had spoken in her sleep...but the desolation in her voice broke his heart.

"Please...Rick...don't go...don't leave me."


	4. Confronting Reality

**Chapter Four  
Confronting Reality**

* * *

_Previously_

_He'd had enough of playing musical chairs with Kate Beckett. It was time for the music to stop...to stop circling the chairs and see where things fell when the dust cleared. He had set Kate on this path two years ago and he was willing to see this through, but he needed to know where he stood first, because he couldn't do this again. He couldn't start something deeper with her only to watch her throw her life away...he could not watch her die again. Once was enough. Too much really._

_If he couldn't make her see that...then he was done._

_He had barely made it out the door when her whispered plea reached his ears. He wasn't sure if he had woken her, or she had spoken in her sleep...but the desolation in her voice broke his heart._

_"Please...Rick...don't go...don't leave me." _

* * *

Rick hadn't heard Kate's voice that choked with emotion since she had sat with him by the pool after his run in with Jerry Tyson not-so-long ago. He sat next to her on the bed and ran his fingers through Kate's hair soothingly, just like he had done for Alexis the last few times she'd had nightmares.

He'd heard similar pleas from his daughter as she'd tossed and turned in her sleep the past few weeks. _'Please daddy...don't leave me' _and it had twisted his guts every time. Tore his beating heart out of his chest and left it bleeding and shattered on the floor. That Kate was saying it in her sleep nearly verbatim tore him up in ways he could not possibly imagine.

He didn't need to ask Kate what the dream was about. Alexis had already told him about her nightmares. Nearly every one of them revolved around him being the one who was shot and bleeding out on the grass in that cemetery. Alexis had spat it at him in vivid angry detail when she'd caught him chasing down the money trail to where it had dead ended.

"_I was right there dad...she was right next to you...you could have been shot...I could have been shot! You're not a cop dad, stop pretending!"_

When he'd followed her to her room, she'd told him about the substance of her nightmares and he'd promised to be careful, that all he was doing was making discreet phone calls to guys he knew and searching public records. He was keeping his word to the boys to do the digging they couldn't and that was all. Just until Beckett was back. That seemed to be enough for her.

When he was certain that Kate was sound asleep, he quietly left, leaving the door to her room cracked open and padded down the hall to the only other bedroom he could find. Jim had told him that he was welcome to use his room, it was right down the hall. He'd left the door open so he could hear if she stirred and sat down on the bed. As promised, Jim had left the bed made for his next visit.

Rick removed Kate's backup piece from his coat pocket, slid the loose round back into the magazine, which he reinserted into the grip of the pistol, slapping it home and flicking on the safety. He slid the small Glock 26 into the back of his belt, in a nearly identical position as Kate carried her sidearm and slipped quietly back out of Jim's bedroom, leaving his coat on the bed.

He made a quick walk of the small cabin, after retrieving his overnight bag from the Escalade, noting to himself that the entire cabin would probably almost fit inside the enclosure for the pool at his house in the Hampton's, but it was quite cozy. He could almost imagine a young Katie Beckett spending her summers here before she'd discovered boys, and then being dragged here kicking and screaming after she had, sulking most of the weekend. Thanking the universe that Alexis had been nothing like him in that regard. He could see his girl sitting on the porch swing reading, her terra-cotta hair turning nearly strawberry blonde in the sun. It was a pretty nice image, one that soothed the guilt he felt a little.

He'd felt like a complete bastard for leaving Kate alone in her room after her semi-conscious plea. Every fiber of his being had wanted to curl up on that bed with her, wrap her in his arms and never let go, but knew he couldn't let himself do that yet.

If he did, he knew that everything would just get pushed aside and smoothed over. Nothing would get discussed and nothing would ever change. They would be right back where they were in her apartment two months ago the moment her mother's case reared its head again. His own words from their fight that night came back to him.

"_You know what? I don't know what _we_ are. We kiss and then we never talk about it. We nearly die frozen in each other's arms, but we never talk about it. So, no, I got no clue what..._we._..are..."_

He had watched her die not a week later, looked into her eyes and saw the lights go out. It had figured into his own nightmares since. Nightmares he was still having, only in those she had stayed dead. That he had lost her before they had a chance to find out what they _could_ be, if she would only let him in.

He could not go through this again without knowing where he stood. Where _they _stood. The time for _half measures_ subtext and _not talking_ about things was long since over. He was either all the way out, or he was all the way in and Kate needed to know that.

She no longer got to have it both ways.

He promised her he would be here when she woke up, promised her father that he would not give up on her and he intended to keep those promises. But a lot was also up to Kate, she had to be willing to meet him halfway. He would not be able to look his mother and daughter in the eye if he just went back to Kate like nothing had ever happened between them.

Rick finished his inspection tour of the cabin, having checked that all the windows and both sets of doors were closed and secure before walking up the stairs again. He checked on Kate once more to make certain she was indeed sleeping peacefully before slipping back into Jim's bedroom, plugging in the charger for his I-phone changing into a pair of pajama pants and climbing into bed. Making certain that Kate's pistol was within easy reach if it was needed.

For the first time since Kate had sent him away from her hospital room, he fell easily into a deep sleep.

* * *

8:30 AM

When Kate startled awake, back in her own bed she'd almost thought she'd dreamed the whole thing. That her reaction to the fireworks the night before had just been a bizarre nightmare. She'd thought she'd been doing really well, dream-wise since she had sent her dad home. Up until this weekend there had only been a couple of nightmares and one very vivid sex dream involving Castle that had made her flustered when she woke up. (a dream she was _never...ever _going to tell anyone about, not even her therapist)

She had just about convinced herself that freaking out, accidentally calling Castle, and leaping into his arms after he'd shown up had just been a dream conjured up by her guilty conscience for the way she'd treated him in the weeks before and since her shooting, until she heard the creaking of floorboards, announcing someone moving around downstairs.

At that very distinctive sound, one her ear had been attuned to since she was four years old, (and had lately become _acutely_ attuned to since her arrival here) her heart leaped into her throat. Her hand went instinctively to the drawer where she kept her gun...only to find it gone, which freaked her out even more. Her hand next went under the bed and felt around for the handle of the Louisville Slugger she kept there...just in case. She breathed a small sigh of relief as her hand closed around the wooden handle of the bat before she slipped out of bed, crept out the door and down the stairs.

She was just about to raise the bat into striking position when the man turned and gave off a girly shriek she would recognize anywhere.

"Castle?" she shouted, "What the _hell _are you doing here?"

When Rick regained his composure he replied,

"I'm making breakfast. Thankfully your dad keeps this place a lot better stocked than you keep _your_ place and besides, you called _me_, remember?"

It took Kate a moment to digest Castle's reply before she could respond. Obviously her panic attack the night before had not been a dream. She really _had_ called him, only one small fact had not been brought to light, one she meant to find out.

"How did you find me?" she asked, her interrogation face on.

"I called your dad after we were disconnected and I couldn't reach you." Rick replied.

"How did you get dad's number?" She asked, knowing the first answer was quite obvious. Even Lanie and the boys didn't know where the Beckett family cabin was, only that it existed.

"_Please_, Kate," Rick replied petulantly, "I helped you _program_ your I-phone, _remember_?"

Kate smiled at the memory, in spite of herself. It had taken days, between cases, for her to figure out how to change the ring-tone he'd given himself after buying it for her so she wouldn't have to hear his voice singing _"Pa-na-na-na na-na-na-na Pa-na-na-na-na!"_ every time he called her, it had nearly driven her insane. She'd kept the file saved though. It was..._sweet_...in his own annoyingly endearing way.

"I thought you said you hadn't held on to any of my personal numbers?" Kate asked, a small amount of humor creeping into her tone.

"I lied." He stated, matter-of-factly. She opened her mouth, but quickly recognized it for the trap that it was and closed it again. If she'd said anything, she would have opened up the conversation about the her own lies. A conversation she could plainly see brewing on the horizon from the look in his eyes and the set of his jaw. A discussion she was not quite ready to have yet, it would come soon enough with Castle here.

She knew from experience that he would not rest until he had the _full_ story, and he knew her tells far to well for her to make something up. She just...wasn't ready to talk about that yet.

For the rest of the day she managed to either shut down or redirect Rick to a different topic every time he had tried to bring up what had come between them the past two months. Kate knew she had no place to run once the that conversation started. She was afraid that if Rick left when he learned the truth, she would never see him again...so she deflected...redirected...and avoided the topic at every opportunity using every trick at her disposal.

The elephant in the room had grown larger and larger as they day wore on and Rick's patience was running out after her most recent attempt to twist the conversation away from where she didn't want it to go. She could tell by the way he rattled the dishes from dinner while he washed and dried them that he was nearing his breaking point.

Her time was up, and there was nowhere else for her to run.

Rick finished washing the dishes, drained the sink basins and walked past Kate on the couch on his way to the front door. His patience had worn thin and he needed to take a walk to clear his head. He couldn't deal with another one of her evasions right now.

When Kate saw him heading for the door, she rose stiffly from the couch, her long scar pulling as she went, to intercept him, but he brushed past her without a word.

"Castle...wait..." she pleaded

That was all it took to bring his anger to the surface, his calm exterior dissipated like steam on a winter night. His back was still turned to her as he spoke,

"I did...two months...you never called...and you likely didn't mean to _this _time either." The anger in his tone nearly broke her.

"Look, I know you're angry..." she began, but he interrupted her before she could speak further.

"You're damned right I'm angry," Rick spat as he turned to look her in the eye, "I watched you _die_ in that ambulance, did you know that? Do you know what that's like, watching the life drain out of someone you love?"

Kate was shocked by what he'd admitted without meaning to, six weeks of trying to convince herself he had only said those words because she'd been on death's door blown away by a single angry declaration.

"I told you...I needed some time." she whispered...

"You said a few days." Castle pointed out

"I needed more." Kate replied quietly.

"Well then you should have picked up a phone and told me that." Rick shot back, turning to walk away again.

"Castle look," Kate pleaded, trying to make him understand, "I couldn't call you, not without dragging myself into everything I was trying to get some space from. I needed some time to just work through everything."

"And how did _that_ work out for you?" Castle shot back, "Let me know when you figure things out, I can't do this right now." he walked out the door, leaving her standing in the middle of the living room her heart a crushed and useless thing beating in her chest.

Kate knew his question had been purely rhetorical the moment he'd asked it, but it hurt all the same, because it made her re-examine not just the lies she'd told him that day, but the ones she'd been telling herself since she woke up in the hospital six weeks ago. She could practically see the bullet points exactly how she would list them on the precinct murder board.

She hadn't been working through anything. She'd been hiding and she knew it. The only things she had worked out had been how she could convince the NYPD mandated therapist that she was okay to go back to work so she could jump right back into her mother's case.

Nothing had been resolved, because she had lied to and run away from the very person she needed to resolve her true feelings for. Having spent most of her nights since trying to convince herself what he'd told her wasn't real, or that he didn't mean it, so when she went back to work after she was cleared for duty they could go back to the way things were before and she could jump back into her mother's case where she'd left off.

Only she knew from direct experience that the world didn't work that way, that the world doesn't stop when somebody leaves. It keeps right on spinning and the ones who get remain have to learn to live in it. Her dad had tried to tell her that since he brought her here before he had confessed his sins and she'd frozen him out.

Kate waited for Castle to come back inside...waited for him to chase her like he'd always done. She realized she had underestimated just how badly she'd messed everything up and what she stood to lose when she heard a car door open and then slam closed.

* * *

_*Author's Note* Sorry about the cliffhanger folks. It usually isn't my style to use them this often in a short piece...but I decided that I wanted the genuine conversation they have to resolve their issues or at least heal the breach between them to have its own chapter._

_._


	5. Nowhere to Run

**Chapter Five  
Nowhere to Run**

* * *

_Previously_

_Nothing had been resolved, because she had lied to and run away from the very person she needed to resolve her true feelings for. Having spent most of her nights since trying to convince herself what he'd told her wasn't real, or that he didn't mean it, so when she went back to work after she was cleared for duty they could go back to the way things were before and she could jump back into her mother's case where she'd left off._

_Only she knew from direct experience that the world didn't work that way, that the world doesn't stop when somebody leaves. It keeps right on spinning and the ones who remain have to learn to live in it. Her dad had tried to tell her that since he brought her here before he had confessed his sins and she'd frozen him out._

_Kate waited for Castle to come back inside...waited for him to chase her like he'd always done. She realized she had underestimated how badly she'd messed everything up and what she stood to lose when she heard a car door open and then slam closed._

* * *

Kate stumbled to the front door and yanked it open just in time to see the dome light of Rick's SUV blink out and the diffused light from a battery powered lantern disappear down the walking trail and around the bend. Though she was relieved that he hadn't abandoned her completely...that she hadn't driven him away, it finally sunk in that she wasn't dealing with her partner's usual childish histrionics.

She had really hurt him when she'd left and never called...deeply. Something had festered in him while she had been gone...twisted in his soul something she hadn't noticed in the hospital that afternoon when she hadn't been able to look him in the eye. Something she she had tried not to consider during her self-imposed exile. An idea she had tried to deny the very existence of for the past two months, so she could keep telling herself she'd done the right thing by slipping away to heal alone.

Kate stepped out onto the front porch in her bare feet and dropped heavily onto the porch swing with a heavy sigh. She pulled her knees up, wrapped her arms around them and stared off into the gathering gloom at the trail he'd departed down, wondering how she could have possibly handled things so completely wrong.

She kept going back to the last time they'd spoken in her hospital room.

"_I keep seeing his face, Castle. Every time I close my eyes, I see Montgomery lying on the hangar floor. You should've let me go in there." _

"_They would've killed you." He'd replied,_

"You don't know that."

She had spoken with such conviction, certainty she hadn't really felt at the time. Upon reflection, her words had come out colder and angrier than she'd wanted. She only wanted him to leave her alone for a few days to think. A few days had turned into a week, and then a month before she'd realized it and all she could think about was the lie she'd told. How he was better off without her, him and his family, not being near a wounded cop with the sword of Damocles hanging over her head. The rest hadn't filtered into her mind...until now.

In that moment, sitting quietly on the porch swing it hit her like a runaway freight train what she'd done...what she'd left him believing all this time. Why he was so hurt and angry.

"Oh my God, he thinks I _blamed_ him..." Kate whispered into the gathering darkness, tears streaming down her cheeks at her sudden realization,

"...oh, God...what have I done?"

* * *

Jim Beckett's Kitchen

For the second night in a row, the quiet in Jim Beckett's home was shattered by the ringing of his telephone. This time, however the caller ID was a familiar one, Katie's cell phone. A call he'd been expecting for most of the day, had he been truly honest with himself, something he still wasn't used to doing even after twelve years. Johanna had always been the one to call him on his bullshit...even before they'd begun dating. Katie had tried, the first few years after her funeral, but she'd never been able to get through to him like Jo could.

He had known he'd truly hit bottom when Katie had given up hope and stopped trying to save him. Even now, after eight years of sobriety there was a wall she kept between them. Defenses that went up when he pushed her too hard in a direction she didn't want to go and threatened the fragile detente between father and daughter.

_'Like going behind her back to Rick this past spring' _Jim thought to himself. He'd gone too far that day, now Rick Castle, ad by extension Katie, was paying the price for it.

"Hello Katie-bug, it's nice to hear your voice." he said after picking up the phone.

"What do I do, dad?" Came his daughter's tear soaked voice on the phone. "I've fucked up everything."

"What happened, Katie?" Jim whispered soothingly, _'If Rick's done something to hurt her, I'll kill him.' _he thought to himself.

"He was trying to talk to me...but I kept shutting him down...pushing him away...just like I did in the hospital." Kate whispered.

Jim hated that it was up to him to drive this point home, but he owed Rick this much after the way he'd pawned off his responsibility onto the man before. Telling Katie what she wanted to hear wasn't going to fix this mess between herself and Rick. It was his duty as her father to tell her what she _needed_ to hear instead. Even if it broke his heart to do so.

"_Jo was so much better at this" _He thought to himself.

"Katie," Jim began, "you didn't think this was going to be _easy_, did you? Even if you waited until you got back to work? That he was just going to accept that you cut him out of your life all summer. The man I saw in the waiting room during your surgery was heartbroken."

Kate was silent on the other end of the line, Jim recognized that silence...she was working up the courage to ask something and wasn't sure she would like the answer. He had a feeling it wasn't going to be the answer to the mostly rhetorical question he'd posed to her, either.

"What happened in the waiting room dad?" she finally whispered.

Jim had never heard his daughter sound so broken. Not even that morning in their favorite diner in their favorite diner when man who'd killed Jo had struck again.

"When I got to the hospital, Rick and your friend Lanie were already there. He couldn't look me in the eye. I had never seen a more broken man in my life...myself included. He just sat in a chair in the waiting room staring off into nothing...like his _life_ was over. Even his mother and daughter couldn't console him, and God knows his mother tried."

He could hear Kate's breathing get heavier and more labored so he stopped for a moment. He knew from experience over the first few weeks what this heralded

"Breathe Katie..." Jim whispered into the phone, "just breathe okay?"

He waited as Kate drew in first one deep breath, counted to three in his own head and listened to her exhale. Jim would never reveal that he had called the shrink the NYPD had assigned behind her back...his power of attorney held benefits his daughter was blissfully unaware of. Dr. Burke had told him little about his initial visit and he hadn't asked, but he had told him what to look for and how to help Kate through it...including the deep breathing exercises.

When she seemed to have calmed herself, he continued. Told her everything that transpired during the long night in the waiting room. He could sense her shock by her sudden intake of breath when he told her about Josh Davidson's brief appearance and his altercation with Rick.

"Josh did _WHAT_?" Kate rasped...Jim knew this wasn't panic, Katie was getting..._angry._

"He told Rick that you getting shot was his fault. That he had pushed you into looking into Jo's case and he was to blame for you being shot. Then Josh hit him. Rick didn't even try to defend himself...like he wanted to be punished. He only seemed to get angry when his daughter got between them and Josh pushed her."

If Jim thought Katie was angry before, her voice took on a completely different timbre at that. She was almost apoplectic with rage.

"He pushed Alexis?!" Kate raged, "That son of a _bitch_...he had no right!"

"Don't worry Katie," Jim soothed, "your coworkers stood up for him...I broke it up and sent Josh on his way. Not to worry."

That was not as soothing to his daughter as he had thought it was going to be.

"He blamed himself for me getting shot" Kate moaned, "...it wasn't his fault...I _never_ blamed him...but I left him thinking I did...oh god dad...I just wanted him to give me some space...I didn't mean to...I made a mess of it."

Jim took it as an encouraging sign that Kate was concerned for Rick's feelings. It meant that his Katie was beginning to re-emerge from the darkness of her shooting. The one who gushed to him about Castle and his antics. Her sense of right and wrong were starting to kick in, overriding her usual emotional self-preservation.

"Well it sounds to me like you know what you need to do to fix it then, don't you Katie-bug?" Jim stated quietly.

"Yeah," Kate replied quietly before hanging up the phone, "I guess so."

Kate put her cell phone down feeling worse than before she'd called. Her dad hadn't minced words...much. She had needed that push, though. She hadn't known she'd needed it but she did. She knew that this had always been more of her mother's territory, but her mom wasn't here to ask.

For the first time since Kate had begun her one-woman crusade at the age of twenty-one to bring her mom's killers to justice, she finally asked herself what her mother would have wanted. The answer she came to did not paint Kate Beckett in a flattering light. Johanna Beckett may have been a tireless advocate for justice but she hadn't neglected her life or her family for it. She never would have run away and left them wallowing in darkness. That had only happened when she died, which was no more Kate's responsibility than her own shooting had been Castle's.

She recalled having accused Castle of _'doing this for himself, not for her' _when he had first admitted to looking into her mother's case. After so many years of burying herself in her mother's case, it had never occurred to her that she was guilty of the _very same thing_. The only time she had truly let her mother down was years ago...when let her mother's case consume her to the point where she stopped living her life.

* * *

Meanwhile  
Down by the lake

"You're _where_?"

Richard Castle knew that tone from his mother.

"I'm in the Adirondacks, mother," Rick replied, "Kate called the other night and she was freaked out...she probably hadn't meant to call me, but...I had to do something."

"Alexis will have a fit when she finds out." Martha told him. "I hope you know what you're doing, kiddo."

"I know, mother." Rick whispered, "I'm not so sure this was such a great idea either anymore. I'm just so..._angry _and I'm not sure how much of it is anger at her, and how much is anger at me for not tracking her down sooner."

He heard a commotion at the other end of the line, hushed voices and then it was his daughter's angry voice on the phone.

"Why would you go crawling back to her after the way she's treated you, dad?"

He started to form a reply but Alexis cut him off before he could say a word.

"I get that her Captain was killed, and then she was shot...but that's no excuse, dad! Why couldn't you just stay away from her...are you gonna keep going back until you get shot? Or worse if you..."

Rick could tell she was winding up for more, but was stopped by something he never thought he would hear.

"_**Alexis Harper Castle!**_" came the sharpest tone he had heard from his mother since he had questioned where her concern for his welfare came from. His mother had said it to Alexis, but he felt his own spine tingle at the rebuke in her tone.

"That will be just about _enough_ out of you, young lady! As much as you like to think differently, he is still your father not the other way around," Rick could feel the command in his mother's tone from two hundred miles away, "You may not _like_ his choices, but you _will_ respect them, now give me back my phone and go to bed."

After a quick but hushed "good night" from a clearly chastened Alexis, Martha came back on the line.

"I'm sorry it came to that, Richard. I don't think Alexis meant it quite like that, but she does have a point, you didn't deserve the way Kate's treated you the past two months, I'm trying to make allowances for her situation, but I'm still _your_ mother not hers. Tread carefully kiddo, I don't want to see you get your heart broken again."

"Don't worry, mother, I'm trying," Rick replied, "I meant what I said earlier, it isn't about the books anymore."

"I know, Richard." Martha replied in a much softer tone than before, "Don't worry about Alexis, she'll come around, she just hasn't been processing her emotions very well lately."

"None of us have, mother, Kate included I imagine." Rick replied. "She'll likely need to see somebody before she goes back to work, I hope whomever she gets is a good one."

"Me too, kiddo, me too. Now get back in there, and stop dancing around it. If you really love her then tell her. If she hasn't figured that out by now she's a lot dumber than she looks."

* * *

_**Author's Note** Yes, I know I promised you guys that they would have their conversation to fix where I left them...and I really meant to write that...but _this_ happened instead. It is what it is. This is where the story...not to mention my fingers on the keys...took me. I'm working on it...really._


	6. Coming Clean

**Chapter Six  
Coming Clean**

* * *

_Previously_

_After a quick, but hushed "good night" from a clearly chastened Alexis, Martha came back on the line._

_"I'm sorry it came to that, Richard. I don't think Alexis meant it quite like that, but she does have a point, you didn't deserve the way Kate's treated you the past two months, I'm trying to make allowances for her situation, but I'm still ____your__ mother not hers. Tread carefully kiddo, I don't want to see you get your heart-broken again."_

_"Don't worry, mother, I'm trying," Rick replied, "I meant what I said earlier, it isn't about the books anymore."_

_"I know, Richard." Martha replied in a much softer tone than before, "Don't worry about Alexis, she'll come around, she just hasn't been processing her emotions very well lately."_

_"None of us have, mother, Kate included I imagine." Rick replied. "She'll likely need to see somebody before she goes back to work, I hope whomever she gets is a good one."_

_"Me too, kiddo, me too. Now get back in there, and stop dancing around it. If you really love her then tell her. If she hasn't figured that out by now she's a lot dumber than she looks."_

* * *

Rick sat staring at his phone for several minutes before he realized he wasn't alone. He turned and saw Kate standing a few paces behind him, tears streaming down her cheeks, her face an open book of hurt and shame.

"I'm sorry Rick...I'm so sorry." She whispered

Rick rose to his feet and draped the jacket he had grabbed from his Escalade over her shoulders as she shivered in the unseasonably chilly night air.

"How much of that did you hear?" He asked quietly

"A-all of it." She whispered, choking back a sob. "Alexis...she... hates me...doesn't she?"

"Kate...Alexis doesn't hate you" Rick reassured her, his hand reaching up to brush the tears from her right cheek with his thumb "she's angry at you, yes, just like I am, but she respects you, almost to the level of hero-worship. Only now you've been knocked off that pedestal she had you on."

Kate's face fell, unable to look Rick in the eye as her whole self seemed to deflate right in front of him as if she wanted the ground beneath her feet to swallow her whole. Rick brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear and drew her eyes back to his. He loved her and hated making her feel this way, but he needed to get everything he'd been holding back all summer out in the open so it couldn't come between them anymore.

"For almost her entire life it's been just the two of us against the world. She's seen me at my best and occasionally my worst. As much as I've tried to shield her from the darker parts of my world, she picks up on things. She's smarter than Meredith and I ever were. "

"She may have known that I've been shadowing you, but for the first time, she's seen exactly how dangerous the path I've chosen, to be your partner can really be. But make no mistake, I chose this even after I knew how dangerous it is, because for the first time in my life I'm doing something that really matters."

If Kate could get any more pale, she would have. _"How can he think he doesn't matter? That what he does...doesn't matter?" _She thought to herself, horrified by how a man she had seen as such an immature, egotistical jackass at times could have been harboring such a low sense of self-worth all this time.

Every low blow, put-down, or dig she had ever made at his expense over the years came back to her in a new light and tore at her insides. She finally saw his carefully crafted skirt-chasing playboy author reputation on page six for what it really was: A sham...a front...a place to hide his soft, oft-broken heart behind to protect it from a cruel world. A wall not unlike her own. It finally dawned on her why he had always been able to read her so well.

_'Some detective I am' _she thought bitterly to herself, _he's been trying all this time to show me who he really is, that our walls may be different, but we're the same, and I refused to see it' _

"Rick," she finally choked out, "you do _matter_...to Alexis...you _matter _to your mother...and you matter to _me_. What you do...The words you write...they _matter_, they always have. Even early on when I thought I couldn't stand you. Your books, Rick...they... saved me after my mom died. I was wallowing in darkness when I found some of your books in a box of my mom's things...and started reading them. They gave me a place to run...allowed me to envision a world where justice actually existed...gave me the courage to believe I could do this. You saved me before you ever met me."

"I had no idea." Rick whispered.

"I waited over an hour on my day off when I was still a uniform to get one of your books signed..." Kate whispered.

"I don't remember." Castle responded.

"I wasn't very remarkable then." Kate said...her heart fixated on a long ago version of herself.

"I can't imagine you ever not being extraordinary." Rick said with such absolute certainty that it stole her breath away.

"I know you don't remember me saying it, Kate but I told you love you and I meant it...every word."

"I know," Kate whispered.

Rick opened his mouth closed it...then opened his mouth again several times before he found his voice.

"You said you couldn't remember..." Rick began, but Kate pressed two fingers to his lips, her eyes heavy with guilt.

"I lied."


	7. Clarity

**Chapter Seven  
Clarity**

* * *

_Oh, give me mercy for my dreams  
'Cause every confrontation seems  
To tell me what it really means  
To be this lonely sailor  
_Kathy Mattea: Ready For The Storm

* * *

_Previously_

_"I can't imagine you ever not being extraordinary." Rick said with such absolute certainty that it stole her breath away."I know you don't remember me saying it, Kate but I told you love you and I meant it...every word."_

_"I know," Kate whispered._

_Rick opened his mouth, closed it...then opened his mouth again several times before he found his voice._

_"You said you couldn't remember..." Rick began, but Kate pressed two fingers to his lips, her eyes heavy with guilt._

_"I lied."_

* * *

Rick stood there for a moment unable to fathom what Kate had just said. It had been bad enough when he thought her subconscious had blocked it out. But her word choice in the hospital _"some things are better off not being remembered" _had a whole new meaning knowing she'd lied.

"So, Kate, what exactly was better off not being remembered?" He spat out, hurt and anger blossoming anew behind his eyes, "That I tried to save you, or that I love you?"

Rick stepped away from her and turned back toward the cabin. "If you didn't feel the same way, the least you could have done was say so, instead of a heartless lie."

Before Kate could say a word in her own defense, Rick stalked away.

Kate followed his progress out of sight back toward the cabin, wondering how she could have messed this up so very badly. She had meant that about her shooting, not the rest of it...not Rick confessing his feelings, like she had secretly hoped he'd done the night of their big argument at her place, it was the one thing he could have said to get through to her in that moment and she remembered how much it had hurt that he hadn't.

_"Because you were seeing somebody else, and he respected that, idiot."_ Came the voice in the back of her mind, one that sounded suspiciously like Royce, the only person in her life since her mother was killed who'd never been afraid to call her on her bullshit. _"Notice a pattern there, kid?"_

It finally dawned on her why Gina had showed up the previous summer. Why he'd backed off all last year, choosing to renew a relationship with his second ex-wife he must have known all along would go nowhere. She'd had her shot when he'd asked her to go with him and blew it by hiding behind Tom, even though she'd known he was just the safe option, a place holder for what she really wanted.

He hadn't called, because he had been doing the one thing she'd been telling him to do for nearly a year. Back off and give her space. As far as he had known, she was with someone else and he'd respected that and walked away. Javi had told her as much, but she'd waited too long to make up her mind... and he made other plans. He'd even respected the boundary in L.A. when she opened the door and he'd gone to his own room without a word of protest.

Now she was left with a heaping plate of _"If only" _to live with and she just seemed to keep adding to it every time she pushed him away. She knew she likely had a limited supply of his forgiveness before she pushed him away for good, and she was afraid she'd finally crossed that line.

Her tears fell and she lacked the strength of will to hold them back anymore. Feeling like the very thing she'd wanted all this time, the thing she wanted to get better _for_ was slipping through her fingers because she had been too afraid to reach for it.

* * *

Had Rick not left his car keys in the cabin, he would have left. Not for good... he doubted he would ever be able to get Kate Beckett out of his veins now... but he needed to process everything. He was too upset because of her lies and evasions and Kate was too broken, both physically and emotionally to deal with his hurt and anger on top of everything else.

It hurt to know she'd told such a callous lie and that she'd compounded it by saying she was better off not remembering. He was left to wonder how long she would have left him flailing before she was honest with him. How long she would have strung him along before yanking the rug out from underneath him. He felt manipulated and used.

He walked into the cabin, fully prepared to pack his things and go home...at least for a few days. He was only a few paces inside the living area on his way to the bedrooms beyond before he sensed a presence behind him at the door.

"Please...Rick...don't go...not like this," Kate whispered. "I...shouldn't have lied to you, I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."

When Rick turned to face her in the open door, she had tears in her eyes and looked so small and fragile that a stiff breeze might shatter her where she stood. It tore his heart out to see her so...broken. A side of herself she had obviously not wanted him to see, as she crossed the room and took his face in her hands. He could tell it hurt for her to raise her arms that high, but she did it anyway.

"I didn't mean what I said...the way it sounded." she continued, "I felt so raw, broken and afraid after I woke up, I'd been shot... I was still with Josh... and I wasn't ready for you to admit that to me."

"Then why didn't you just say that?" Rick asked. Why did you feel you had to lie?"

"Because I thought you deserved better than me...better than somebody so broken, that I couldn't be enough for you... be what you needed with my mother's case hanging over my head."

Rick could tell just how hard it was for Kate to say these things, for her to bare her soul this way. How badly she now needed him to understand.

"Castle, you tried to get in front of a bullet for me! If the guy who shot me came back... to finish the job..."

Rick couldn't bear to hear her say more.

"Kate, why don't you let me be the one to decide who is, or is not enough for me, okay?"

"You could have anyone you wanted," Kate replied, "you've dated models and actresses, and I'm just this cop who likes your books."

"All I want is you, Kate." Rick replied, "Why do you think I stayed so long? I've never needed to do this much _research _for a book...or even a series of books. I wrote Derek Storm for nearly ten years after only a few _months_ with the CIA. I knew it had stopped being about the books after Scott Dunn stalked you and blew up your apartment."

"We don't make any sense on paper, Rick." Kate whispered

"We don't live our lives on paper, Kate... Nikki and Rook do, but not us." Rick replied. "_Gina _and I made sense on paper... it's why I married her... we ended up being like oil and water in real life."

"I'm not sure I'm cut out for relationships... I mess them up... my mother's case always gets in the way." Kate persisted, not sure whom she was trying to convince.

"Kate, I'm involved in your mother's case... you don't _have_ to do it all alone. You need someone to tell you when to step back... to tell you when to take the blinders off. I can be that person Kate... I _want_ to be."

"I don't know if I can." Kate whispered, the tears falling again.

"I do." Rick replied with absolute certainty, "You can do anything you set your mind to. Perhaps the universe never meant for you to solve this alone. The 'verse set me in your path for a reason, Kate."

"I've been married twice," Rick explained, "both times with the best of intentions, but for the wrong reasons. You remember Kyra Blaine? Well after she left to get her space and never came back, I'd given up on finding true love... of finding anything _real_, so I hid... behind superficial relationships with women I knew wouldn't stick around. Meredith was one of those...or she was supposed to be, but she did give me _one thing_ I can always be thankful to her for..._Alexis_. It took being a father to teach me that I could _never_ find happiness that way. That real love was worth putting in the time. As much time as it takes."

Kate lowered her head and whispered, "Dad told me what Josh said to you... what he did. I'm sorry for that... I hadn't exactly been very fair to him either, considering my heart really wasn't in it, but he had no right to do that... no right to hurt you or Alexis...or to speak for me."

"He didn't say anything I wasn't telling myself at the time," Rick replied, "I did this... I meddled in something I should have left alone... set you on this path and couldn't save you."

"Rick... _**no!**_" Kate exclaimed, "I don't care _what _Josh told you... This was _**not your fault **_I _never _blamed you for me getting shot. I'm so sorry I left you believing I did. I _should_ have been straight with you."

Kate looked him in the eye for the first time in the entire discussion, her hands still on his face

"I love you, Richard Castle. So much it scares the shit out of me." She whispered before she rose up on her toes and kissed him.

Kate tried to express everything she couldn't put into words with that kiss. The love she truly had for him...the wanting...and the regret that she had allowed herself to put this off for so long. When she finally broke the kiss to breathe and lowered her hands to grip his waist she looked at him sadly.

"I do love you... please don't doubt that..." Kate whispered sadly, "but I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship now... not the way I want to be."

"That's okay, Kate." Rick replied, holding her close and planting a kiss on the top of her head.

"It might be a while before I _am_ ready... if you don't think you can wait for me... I'll... understand..." Kate began, but Rick cut her off.

"As long as I know you'll let me be there for you... I can wait. I can accept that you need space sometimes, but please don't make choices for me. Let me in...let me help you... you don't _have _to this alone. I'll still be here and I'll still love you when you're ready for us to be... more...always."

"Okay." Kate whispered, her scars were pulling painfully now, and she could no longer hold back the wince and gasp of pain when she moved, she was long overdue for her next pain pill.

Rick noticed and helped her to her bedroom, tucking her in comfortably before retrieving the Percocet and a glass of water... complete with bendy straw.

Kate arched a single eyebrow but said nothing before downing the pill and taking a long pull on the water through the straw. She remained quiet, but her expression was clearly saying _"Really, Castle?"_

"Bendy straws are totally _necessary_ recovery supplies, Beckett." Rick said, reading her expression, "it's a morale boost kinda thing, just like smiley-face pancakes."

Kate rolled her eyes just as the pain-killer began to take effect, and she began to feel drowsy. The last thing she saw before sleep claimed her was Richard Castle ghosting a kiss to her forehead and whispering, "Good night love."

For the first time in months, she fell asleep feeling safe.

* * *

_****Author's note.** For those of you concerned about my other stories, fear not, I am working my way through them. This one was just the closest one to being finished. Epilogue to follow.**_


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